World Mental Health Day
Today is World Mental Health Day, and I have been trying to come up with a post for my feelings, but everything I have thought of has been so long. Not only is World Mental Health Day in October, but it is also Suicide Prevention Month and Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. That is a lot of important stuff to pack into one month in my opinion, so how do you recognize it all?
My background is in EMS, but one of my biggest passions is making sure new families have access to care and the support that they deserve. There have been three moments in my life where I have really had to stop and think about my mental health and reach out. The first was after the birth of my first child. You feel lonely when you are alone for the first time in a new town, new school, etc. but nothing prepares you for the lonely you feel when you are surrounded by people. My house was full of love and people asking how my baby was doing, but they forgot to ask how I was doing. I had just had a very traumatic birth experience, and I felt pushed to the side like a bag of grapes that was a little too wrinkly to bring home. It was all about the baby. My mom was one of the first people that really made me feel cared for. The second, was my grandma. She came to visit when my baby was a few months old. I was having separation anxiety leaving him with anybody besides my partner. If I am being honest, I still have that with both of my kids.. We had a busy day and I was overwhelmed. The baby was hungry and I started feeding him. I thought for sure she was going to want to hold him after he ate, but instead she told me to rest, got up, and started doing my dishes. My grandmother who was almost 80 was doing MY dishes. This was a humbling experience, but it was pivotal in me realizing what was going on. Something so small made such an impact. There are few things that I remember distinctly after he was born, and this was one of them. I felt loved, I felt cared for, and I felt like she knew what I needed. I really should not have been surprised that she knew what I needed before I did, because that is just what Nana’s do…
The second experience was more recent, but still important. When I was pregnant with my second baby, I decided to stop working as a paramedic on an ambulance. You get calls that bother you when you are working, but you talk it over with your partner in the truck and continue on. Occasionally, you need a little more support and that is there just a phone call away. What nobody talks about is what happens when you leave. I didn’t think I had PTSD from working, but then we went to the county fair and the fire department started cutting a car apart and I wanted to run away as fast as possible. When you are working, your mind puts yourself in this bubble. I am sure there is research about it somewhere, but for now we will just leave it at that. You separate yourself from work and real life, and you just do it. When work is no longer work, all the experiences you put in the dark box in your brain somehow have a flashlight shining in on them that lights them all up and makes you think about it. Where do you go from here? Most of the resources are for active first responders, or at least you think of them as that way. You never think you are going to need to reach out to them when you are done.
The third experience, well, let’s just say we are still working on it. There is just not enough time in the day to fill all of the buckets and it leads to a sense of overwhelm like I have never experienced. I keep reminding myself I am raising children, not houses, and that softens the blow a little bit.
I tell you these stories not to give myself a pity party, but to let you know that you are not alone. I have learned things from each experience, but I am still learning. I am always seeking new ways to nourish my brain. If my brain does not feel nourished, the rest of it will not be there.
